It’s 4 days past the election and I’m asking myself how I feel. That’s a heavy question because I’ve got all the feels right now.
I’ve choked back tears every day, but haven’t had a full breakdown. I’m writing this now perhaps as a response to feeling unheard.
I’m mad; I’m sad; I’m in shock; I’m hurting. I want everyone around me to have the same reaction and, while not wholly reasonable, I’m pissed that some people don’t seem to be affected in the same way. I don’t agree with a video my husband posted earlier, even though when I saw it before he did, I knew he’d like it. It’s not pro-Trump, of course, but it’s a white good looking man telling me that Hillary didn’t do her job. And I think that’s bullshit. A smart – so smart – and experienced stateswoman SHOULD NOT HAVE LOST to a piece of shit, arrogant, racist, misogynist, rich douchebag. I want to be comforted. I want someone to tell me that they too are horrified by this. It’s all well and good to have this conversation on social media, but I guess I’m craving a human connection. Someone to hug me and say, yes, this is awful. You’re safe in your tears.
I’ve noticed a trend in my acting classes of late. When I’m right on the precipice of crying, I look away from my partner. I put my head down and to the left and I cover my face in some way with my hands. My teachers say, Look at her/him, Karin! Look! I know I’m scared; I’m scared to push over that edge because that means letting someone see all the shit that’s underneath. My tears – that may or may not affect my partner.
I’ve rambled and perhaps gone off topic. I’m not ready to move into the next phase of grieving over Hillary’s loss.